It's Not You. It's Me.

How do I make you understand that it's not you it's me?
So many times before I've been told over and over again
"I've got your back, I won't hurt you, trust me, let me in"
My back that you speak of was the one I had to watch so I could keep an eye out for that monster that came to me every night.
The hurt you speak of was the physical pain that my 5 year old little body was forced to endure whenever he wanted it. 
The painful memories that haunt me every night. 
The trust you speak of was one I gave out freely 
because I was once naive 
and truly believed these so called guys were there for me.
"Let me in" you say,
 you see that I cannot do so easily as they let themselves in and made themselves comfortable in a place they weren't welcome.
You see this is deeper than you think
This isn't only based on past relationships
Where guys used to chat shit
Making me think
Our so called bond would last forever.
The emotional scars I bare are so deep and ugly not even a surgeon and a make up artist could could make them look better.
You say you will be but I don't expect you to be my protector 
Trust me I hear you and I know you're not them and I'm not trying to blame you. 
My intention isn't to push you away but I must continue to push through these walls that hold me captive. 
I cannot allow your actions based on impulse or this temporary feeling of lust and infatuation to make me sway.
 my guard is so high, 
With broken glass at the top and barbed wire ready to electrocute dumbass pricks that claim to be true
As if they're offering something new
Calling my phone at half past two talking bout pillow talk.
I don't have time for that foolishness
And I'm still a work in progress
Neither do I want to hold you back from someone that can give you what you're looking for but right now.
I'm not the one.
Never did I try to paint this pretty picture that I was so put together. 
But you deserve to know why this just can't be.
I know I'm not perfect but you told me I was perfect for you.
I hope my perfect image hasn't been tainted.
I hope you don't see me as damaged goods.
I must work on me before we become one so til then we'll remain as two. 
Do you now understand why it's me and not you? 





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